If this were somehow a parallel universe where everything was exactly the opposite, this sure would be a thrilling election year, wouldn’t it? I think that the only thing that will get me to the polls is my horror over the very concept of a Romney/Ryan presidency. Although, four years of that and we’d probably start seeing class warfare on a much more semantically valid level. Which would be nice on the one hand, but there are an awful lot of cops out there who have already proven that their allegiance is first and foremost to America’s wealthy. Meanwhile, Barack Obama is often trying as hard as he can to be unlikable to everyone who voted him into office four years ago. There’s just so much to be either apathetic of disgusted about.
On the one hand, the Republican ticket is basically a caricature of a cartoon at this point. With the speed at which Romney has turned into a 1900’s era editorial cartoon Robber Baron, they might have been better off with Herman Cain. Now, with the edition of Paul Ryan to the ticket the Republicans have basically turned this election into the riskiest hail mary pass of all time. Sure, it’s a hell of a chance, but if they can pull it off, the entire party will get to retire from politics to lucrative corporate positions created by privatizing every remaining shred of the american infrastructure. Sure, voucher based medicare and medicaid would almost immediately cripple the health care access of some of America’s neediest people. But maybe old people will either not notice or not vote in their usual gigantic proportions. Of course, since the party is by now so far detached from reality that they are running ads portraying Obama as the anti-social security candidate (compared to, like, an actual socialist?), perhaps they are going after the dementia vote. Suggestions for possible Romney/Ryan slogans: ‘Romney/Ryan: Fuck the Poor’, and ‘Romney/Ryan: Capitalism, Chinese-style!’.
On the other hand, we have the defending champion, the thunder from an unconfirmed nationality, Barack Obama. Barack, honey, I don’t even know what you’re going for right now. First off, you were already elected by a majority when you somehow had less repulsive opponents than this batch. Secondly, and this goes along with the first, if you want to portray your opponents as a couple of corporate knob-polishers (with all due respect to the ancient art of knob polishing) then you out to stop riding that corporate dick so hard yourself. Joe Biden had to do the political equivalent of calling you a pussy on national television just to get you to support gay marriage, an issue which has not only a national majority of supporters but an anstronomical level of support among your likely voters. And yet you continue to court some largely imagined ‘middle america’ demographic that, if they didn’t vote for you in 2008, nothing is going to make them do so now. If there has ever been an election that the Democrats could carry simply by running on the issues is an honest way, it is this one right now. So just do that, okay? Cut out this middle-of-the-road bullshit? Thanks.