Honesty is something that is largely absent from today’s political discourse, but to a seasoned observer certain truths become fairly obvious. The first of which, that arose in 2007, but became painfully obvious in 2011, was that the Republican Party has a Mitt Romney problem. Now, I live in Colorado, so I had little previous exposure to Mitt Romney, other than the fact that he was oddly unpersonable for a major political candidate. After learning more about him, it became obvious why he succeeded as a Massachussets governor. He was an unbearably snobbish upper class puritan who’s only real values are money, class, and power; and who would say anything or support anything he thought would increase his status in one of those three areas. Unfortunately, this type of behavior doesn’t particularly play well across the country, and it certainly didn’t hurt Romney that he has a fuckton of cash and ran in one of the most heavily Republican leaning election years in modern history (2002).
Unfortunately, that is not currently the case, and it wasn’t the case in 2007 when he tried and failed to run against John McCain. However, Mitt Romney has decided he wants to be president, and what Mitt Romney wants, Mitt Romney gets. He also happens to have the above mentioned assloads of cash to run in the primaries over, and over, and over again. More money than anyone else who would take the serious financial hit of holding the highest elected office in the country. Consequently, not only would he not go away, but he would use his, and his friends, gazillions of dollars to destroy the campaigns of every single person to occupy the number two position. It was clear that there was only one option: pull a Bob Dole. You see, it was clear in 1995, even to Republican leadership, that Bill Clinton was going to win in 1996. Not only was there no chance, but the Republican leadership was smart enough to their ‘tax cuts and moral values’ platform would play substantially better in the economic prosperity that usually follows a multiple term democrat president. If this sounds familiar, it is probably because this election year is startlingly similar to 1996 with the absence of one thing: Ross Perot. (Fortunately, we do still have an insane plutocrat.) So the Republicans allowed Bob Dole to have a go, a respected party member on the cusp of retirement, who had no chance to win, but little chance to damage the party’s reputation. Unfortunately, this go around they seem to have misunderestimated Mitt Romney’s ability to damage their party.
Regardless, it was clear that the only thing that would stop Mitt Zombie from perpetually dragging every single prominent Republican through the mud would be the spectacular flaming casualty that will be a Mitt Romney campaign. Jeb Bush in 2016, everybody!